So the first thing that tends to happen when we hit the big Silver is a quick sense of inventory of life. Well…I have no proof of that so go with me here. But anyway, so I have been thinking of all the things that I have done, not done, hope to do, etc. Coming to me have been the thoughts of what I wished I had done, rights where I should have gone left, people I … well you get the picture. Not really regrets per se, but more like other directions that could have resulted in drastically different outcomes today.
If I am dragging you down, that’s not my intent. What I am attempting here is to direct where this blog is going to be going. There is no day like the present, and we only have each day left before us. I am by no means completely disheveled. On the contrary – I work at a major corporation, am a veteran and reservist with close to 20 years of service, have a Master’s degree, blah, blah, blah.
One of the things that I have noticed in my life is that I have been a slave to the ego. It has interjected itself in everything I have done throughout my life. You’d be amazed at how it weaves its nasty little web and lures us into doing its’ bidding for even the stupidest little things.
A few years ago I was involved in a shamanic ceremony – I am REALLY into all of that so if you’re cringing, STAY and learn something – and I moved into this place where I was watching how the ego was designated to assist us rather than rule the show. I was shown how there are streams of light and “absence of light” (note NOT darkness) within every thought, deed, decision, action, direction, belief, result, etc. We constantly have what is presented to us via the ego and what it’s direction desires, and what the authentic true Self desires. Think of the Yin and Yang, Night and Day, the balance of two halves. If you could visualize it, it would be long streams of energy wrapping around each other in light and non-light, each splitting in various areas based on tangents or possibilities depending on decisions or follow on thoughts, all streaming down into your head. (Hard to describe in words apparently)
Point is – we have options to go with the thing in our heads or in our truth. Let me change this up a little. You ever notice that part of your thoughts and mind that yells the loudest, tells you over and over and over that one piece of cake is okay since you had one yesterday, tells you that if you have the knee scope you’ll not just be ending the slight pain you have but you’ll also have attention from others as well as a technical “disability,” that you don’t really need to practice your meditations 3 times a day because you’re already a spiritually minded person, that whatever story that guys just told us all – hey listen to this one…. Yeah…EGO.
What I want to find here as I put my efforts into this over the year is a place where the ego takes the back seat and some of the things that I have always known would better myself are where I put my effort. Things like actually going within and focusing on meditative practice. Like doing something to heal my body rather than diminish it. Like stopping the easy trigger responses to the Goddess in my life who I am so blessed to have in it and yet ego wants to destroy that too.
Oh yeah – ego sees her as a demon. She is the one person who truly sees me and wants me to evolve and drop it like a hot potato. I was down at the beach meditating during a sunset and ego totally attempted to convince me she was a demon, even dressing her up, giving her fangs, red eyes, long tentacle arms with suction cups like an octopus with this gross slime oozing down – it was nasty.
But I digress. This is not just about the ego. The ego in fact is only a minor part of this. The true essence of the effort is in the shift and the evolution. We all grow what we think is in a certain direction, yet that is not completely accurate. You can work your ass off and train and train and finally be able to complete that triathlon, but how has that actually changed your spiritual awareness? How has that helped you to let go of the baggage of your youth, the scars and trauma that you have witnessed, done to others, or been victimized by? No, sometimes all of that is actually avoidance because there is not a holistic perspective, an awareness that everything we do affects everything that we are, will be, have been, and are becoming. I truly believe that it is all intertwined.
If you decide – with your Authentic Self rather than ego – to make a change, it has to be in EVERY aspect of your life. Making a dietary change has to not be coming from some rampant drift from someone that says vegans are more whatever. It has to come with feeling, intent, focus, and drive. And if you make that change, you have to think about it regularly, affirm it with your speech and actions, embody is as you move throughout the day, etc. It has to be something that you have contemplated for a long time, feel an affinity for, but most importantly – ready to enact. And that one decision can be subtle or grand, minute or huge, even simply, “I am done with ever eating pork” and you just never touch the stuff again. You know why? Because you know, and it has move into the level of feeling, of being, knowing.
Sounds like some lofty thing? No not really. We all know certain things. Like – making excuses for not getting up from the desk every hour doesn’t help us. Like – not swimming 3 times a week “because its cold outside” is a weak excuse for a 50 year old. Like – I made it a whole week, once cigar and a flask of tequila won’t hurt. Those are the low hanging fruits friends.
But those are what I am aiming for first. You know why?
Because once you scrape the shit from the top off and deal with it, the deeper pollutants have to begin to surface.
And I want some clean frikkin’ water.